


Impromptu Tributes

by ottermo



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen, Poetry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-01
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2018-05-17 17:41:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 58
Words: 6,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5879866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ottermo/pseuds/ottermo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"I'm sorry, I thought we were staging an impromptu tribute to Dr Seuss."</em>
</p>
<p>All the Cabin Pressure poems I've written over the years, collected here for your reading pleasure (debatable) and my own convenience (assured). Or, as they say in Limerick -</p><p>My rhymes were, 'til now, disunited<br/>
But soon that grave wrong will be righted -<br/>
For I'm adding them here<br/>
One by one, they'll appear,<br/>
And I'll be, if you like them, delighted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 12 B

**Author's Note:**

> I've always been a bit of a poetry nut, with everything, but in fandom I had two major influences that have lead me to writing an awful lot of rhyming cheese for Cabin Pressure... One of these was the phenomenally talented mrspencil of fanfiction.net, in awe of whom I will be my entire life - she writes Sherlock Holmes rhyming verse that is honestly ingenious, and highly recommended. The other, a more Cabin Pressure-specific one, was r-scribbles from LiveJournal, who wrote the amazing '8 Limericks that aren't about Limerick, and a Limerick Haiku'. From reading and fangirling over these two wonderful talents, was born...well, something a bit less impressive, but a whole heap of fun. 
> 
> These first two entries are being brought across from my fanfiction.net account (the horror...) and most of the rest will be taken from my 'Countdown to Cabin Pressure' (which I ran on tumblr in the lead-up to both Series 4 and Zurich), with a couple more recent ones added in from fandot creativity. 
> 
> Anyway, as stated at the outset this is mainly so I can have somewhere to store all my past and future poetry stupidness, but please do have a read if you're in the mood for some Cabin Pressure-y rhyming.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was written in February 2012 and is a Shakespearean-style sonnet based on Vincent Starrett's Sherlock Holmes poem, 221B. If anyone can work out why this one's called 12 B, there's a personal limerick in it for you.

The flight-deck of one charter aeroplane  
Is where you'll find the captain, Martin Crieff.  
And, sitting by and flying him insane,  
Is Douglas; frequent mix-ups cause him grief.

The galley is where Arthur can be found:  
An ever-present smile upon his face.  
His mother, Carolyn, might be around,  
She tries to calm the chaos in this place.

For, though we love them dearly, this small crew  
Is nearly always in some crazy fix.  
But never fear, we know they will get through  
With thanks to Douglas and his cunning tricks.

Here, though the plane may fail, these four survive:  
On analogue at ninety-two-point-five. 


	2. Flying with MJN Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one also hails from February 2012, though I later used it on cabinpressurecountdown to jazz up some edits (look, when you're as lazy as I am, you learn to steal from yourself.) It's based on William P. Schweickert's _A Long Evening with Holmes_ , which I knew off by heart at the time, because back in the day I thought everything had to be based on Sherlock in some way. I dunno.

Whenever I'm feeling disheartened or bored,  
And it seems any plan I devise will be flawed,  
I go to a place where enjoyment's assured:  
I go flying with MJN Air.

I leap up the steps, say hello to the crew,  
Martin, Douglas and Arthur, and Carolyn too,  
Then to galley or flight-deck the four of them shoo  
When I'm flying with MJN Air.

We all wrack our brains for a bad-sounding name,  
Or whatever the topic for this week's word game  
Knowing full well that Douglas will put us to shame,  
When I'm flying with MJN Air.

I'll not make the mistake that leaves Martin dismayed,  
For he is the captain, although he's not paid,  
So I'll note the fourth stripe and the extra gold braid  
When I'm flying with MJN Air.

I'll hear Arthur's lecture on all types of bear  
And imagine a number of otters are there,  
Yes, whatever life throws me, I'll catch it, I swear,  
When I'm flying with MJN Air. 


	3. Arthur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime before Countdown I attempted my first Cabin Pressure limerick. This Arthur one was accompanied by Martin, Carolyn and Douglas mini-poems, which I believe did get used on Countdown, because I can't find them on my main tumblr. Perhaps they'll surface eventually.

There once was a steward named Shappey  
A relentlessly cheerful young chappy  
Whatever the hour  
He couldn't be sour  
So spent all his time being happy!


	4. The Friendly Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was in two minds about including this here, since it's actually a song rewrite, not a poem, but... it rhymes and it took me ages SO. It's going here. Based on the date stamp of some reblogs, I'm guessing it's from October 2012, and if you're so inclined, you can sing it to the tune of My Eyes from Doctor Horrible. Douglas and Carolyn's verses are meant to overlap one another.

**MARTIN**  
Any clot with half a brain  
Could see that I'm the Captain of the plane.  
The stripes upon my cuff  
And the hat should be enough  
But it isn't and it's driving me insane.

Listen close to any pilot's heart  
And hear that soaring sound  
On the flight-deck I can play my part,  
Once we've left the ground

'Cause up here above it all,  
The one place where I feel tall  
I'm the guy who's Captain, so come and fly  
The friendly sky

 

 **ARTHUR**  
Stewarding is brilliant, and everything  
Can be a reason to have fun  
There's polar bears, Sahara sun

'Cause I believe true joy is anywhere you look  
Waiting to be found.  
Throw fruit, or find it in a book  
And turn your frown around

'Cause up here above it all,  
There's no job too big or small,  
And I can't lie, so it must be true, come fly  
The friendly sky

 

 **DOUGLAS**  
I bring down the hearty beast  
So all the crew can have a feast  
May not be Captain Crieff,   
But to everyone's relief,  
When there's trouble I'm around to make it cease.

Sky God Douglas, here to save the day,  
So we won't freeze a cat.  
Also, when the lemon is in play,  
Just check Martin's hat..

Up here above it all,   
I'll make you all feel small  
So don't be shy of losing, just come and fly  
The friendly sky 

 

 **CAROLYN**  
CEO of MJN, just so you know  
I'm the one that runs the show  
Sending GERTI to and fro

It's not all fun to run a company alone  
But I can manage fine.  
And so, although I often moan,  
The jet is staying mine.

Up here above it all,  
I'll answer a client's call  
From Molokai to Boston, just come and fly  
The friendly sky


	5. 56 Days 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The greatest tragedy of my existence is that I wrote and posted this on the _14th_ of November, 2012. Two days, Joni. Two days.

Every year, Gordon asks for the plane,  
But each time the reply is the same,  
"No, she's staying with me!  
GERTI won't ever be  
Your possession, no, never again!"


	6. Suddenly, Douglas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16th November 2012 - another song rewrite, the first of a few that made it on to Countdown.
> 
> This time it's based on Suddenly Seymour, from Little Shop of Horrors (the love of my musical trash life) and is set during my favourite episode, St Petersburg.
> 
> At this point I should mention another influence on my CP rhyming, the completely brilliant fractionallyfoxtrot, whose musical Barris is a MUST-READ. It changed my life. Not kidding.

**ARTHUR**  
When headaches arise  
And trouble comes calling  
We've got somebody  
Who'll make it okay.  
A cat in the hold  
A plane that is stalling  
Whatever the problem  
He'll take it away.

Suddenly Douglas  
is standing beside us  
He might do it smugly,  
But don't be dismayed  
Suddenly Douglas  
is here to provide us  
With a solution  
He'll save the day!

 **DOUGLAS**  
Arthur, just listen.   
I really can't do this.  
There's no way around it,   
Unfortunately.  
No one thinks more of  
My powers than I do  
But this time it's hopeless,  
Even for me.

 **ARTHUR**  
Suddenly Douglas  
Is standing beside us  
Always with some kind  
Of trick up his sleeve  
Suddenly Douglas  
is here to provide us  
Some sort of magic,  
If we believe.

 **DOUGLAS**  
Arthur, I'm sorry,  
But I'm not almighty.  
Even a sky god  
Can't help you today. 

 **ARTHUR**  
There's no use pretending  
You won't think of something  
Tomorrow our troubles  
Will be far away

 **ARTHUR _(DOUGLAS)_**  
Suddenly Douglas _(Arthur, just listen)_  
Is standing beside us _(Can't do it this time)_  
Suddenly Douglas _(Arthur, I'm sorry)_  
Shows us we can! _(No! We can't!)_  
Douglas, the one who can save us  
You'll think of something  
_(I won't think of something)_  
You'll think of something  
_(I won't think of something)_  
You'll think of something  
Douglas, you can...  
  
  



	7. The Taliskey, Part the First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 17th November 2012 - the first part of my attempt to rhyme up a crossover between Cabin Pressure and John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme. There are, I believe, two further instalments, although the story is yet to be concluded...

Since you ask for a tale of theft and deceit  
Of a robber remarkably deft and discreet  
I believe I might have one to fit your request  
So attend, and I'll tell it (it's one of my best).

It began when my friend, Mr Birling, came round,  
To invite me to join him at some sporting ground,  
A rugby event, held each year, so I'm told  
(I'm afraid as a rule all these games leave me cold.)

"But, Birling!" cried I, with a raise of my brow,  
"If you go every year, why invite me just now?  
What is different? The game is, as far as I see,  
Exactly the same, and of no use to me!"

My friend gave a sigh and he said, "Yes I know.  
You'll not like the match and you don't wish to go.  
But you see, Finnemore, I'm in need of your aid.  
For each year there's a far darker game that is played..."

"Tell me more!" I exclaimed, and this challenge he met,  
"Every year I have chartered a passenger jet,  
With a crew I have trained up to toady to me,  
Whom I tip at the end rather generously.

For the most part it's perfect, and yet, every time,  
I seem to fall victim of this one small crime:  
My Talisker whiskey is stolen away  
And that is the reason I ask you, today,

Old friend, won't you come and see what you can do  
To prevent what I've said once again coming true?"  
And that's how I came by this story to share,  
How I ended up flying with MJN Air...


	8. 47 Days 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23rd November, 2012. A couple of Abu Dhabi limericks...

How long does a cat take to die  
In an unheated hold in the sky?  
Is it three hours? Four?  
Less than seven? Or more?  
Which rules of cat-science apply?

That cat may be saying goodbye  
To its short feline life as we fly  
But there's no turning back  
Or we're both for the sack  
Oh, look, here come the cat CSI...


	9. The Taliskey, Part the Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 24th November 2012. Finnemore is back to narrate some more of his escapades.

The airfield in Fitton's a shabby affair -  
It's rather run-down, and there's some disrepair  
But far be it from me to critique such a place  
I was there, not for that, but to solve my friend's case!

I met with the pilots: one short and one tall,  
One's hat with gold braid, one with nothing at all.  
One was nervous, one suave, one a dog, one a cat -  
Wait, no - I'm so sorry - I must _stop_ doing that...

I mustn't get carried away. What I mean,  
Is that no solid likeness was there to be seen.  
The tall one, I thought, was the Captain, but no -  
The other appeared to be running the show.

He ordered his co-pilot onto the deck,  
Saying, "Douglas, don't try it, I'll keep you in check,  
You won't steal the whiskey today, not this time,  
You won't get a chance at committing the crime!"

I looked for the whiskey, and to my surprise  
A curious sight came at once to my eyes:  
It was there in the hands of a man just like me!  
"I say!" I exclaimed with a gasp, "Can it be

That we're cousins, related somehow, do you think?"  
He replied, "I don't know! But there must be a link!"  
"What's your surname?" I asked him. "It's Shappey," said he,  
So I said I'd consult with the family tree.

Changing the subject, I said, "Is it true  
That a drink might be stolen while flying with you?"  
He said, "Just Mr Birlings. It's Douglas's game.  
He'll steal it with magic - each year it's the same."

"With magic?" said I, for this is, to be sure  
A subject I've often met up with before.  
"Well, not magic, as such," he admitted. I sighed.  
"But it's brilliant, though!" he then said, with some pride.

"I don't know how he does it! He's sneaky and sly!  
Every year he comes up with a method to try."  
"Don't you stop him?" I asked, "Don't you hide it away?"  
He answered, "Of course! We'll be trying, today!"

"I will help you," I promised, "to stop the event.  
With three of us, it won't be hard to prevent."  
The steward agreed. Now we just had to wait  
For my friend to arrive - he was ten minutes late...


	10. 41 Days 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 30th November 2012. If anything, this is inspired by a poem about cowpats (which I can't for the life of me find!), but only in terms of the rhythm and rhyme scheme. No bovine excrement here.

It's a constant source of grief  
For the captain, Martin Crieff  
That everyone assumes he's not in charge.  
He can decorate his hat  
Lipstick, if it comes to that -  
But nothing will convince the world at large. 


	11. Douglas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3rd December, 2012. The aforementioned Douglas minipoem.

Douglas is the king of charm,  
His wit and easy smile disarm,  
And he should always be the guy  
You call when things go all awry.  
He'll be self-satisfied and smug,  
But he'll come through, will good old Doug. 


	12. Carolyn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5th December 2012. A Carolimerick!

The owner of MJN Air  
Has often just cause for despair  
Things never go long  
Without turning wrong  
But she's rather too busy to care!


	13. 34 Days 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6th December 2012. Every time I listen to Cremona, there's a pair of lines that jump out at me. They just really want to be their own poem. So I wrote it. It's not my best work, but I wrote it.

'Just getting out of a client's sight' -  
So often the key to happy flight.  
It really doesn't do to pester  
An actress quite as mean as Hester.  
It's unprofessional to say  
You liked a film in such a way  
You made a collage of her face  
Out of lots of pasta shapes.  
Just hide away, dear heart. We'll see  
If Hester wants to fight with _me._..


	14. Captain Finnemore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9th December 2012. I posted this much later than it was actually written, but I don't know when that was, so it'll have to stay here. 
> 
> Anyway, this is a song rewrite of Captain Dinosaur, and if you've heard of one of those, this probably isn't it. I'm fairly sure somebody else wrote a (much better) version at some point, which was called Mr Finnemore, I think (I'm a traditionalist, and favoured 'Captain'.) 
> 
> For a while way back before series 4, I was going to make this into a video montage of fans singing it as a cringeworthy 'thank you' present for Mr F. Alas, it was not to be, no-one ever got back to me *violin music plays* *much sobbing* ANYWAY. Feel free to sing along!

You gave us Cabin Pressure, you gave us Souvenir,  
We've heard you on the Now Show, so you've nothing to fear (ah-ah)  
You'll always have a fandot, yes we'll always be yours -  
We thank you, Captain Finnemore. 

Thank you, thank you, Captain Finnemore.  
Thank you, thank you, Captain Finnemore.  
You gave us Arthur, Douglas, Carolyn and Captain Crieff  
None diviner, Captain Finnemore.  
We praise thee, Captain Finnemore, with hymns, and prayers, and songs  
We raise our mighty voices, we listen for 'bing-bong'  
From the fluffy little baa-lambs, to the heartiest of beasts  
We thank you, Captain Finnemore.

Thank you, thank you, Captain Finnemore.  
Thank you, thank you, Captain Finnemore.  
You gave us spooky tales of murder, death and so much more  
One designer, Captain Finnemore  
You're brilliant, Captain Finnemore, we know it to be true  
From the start of Abu Dhabi to the end of series four  
So as it comes towards us  
We look on you with awe  
We thank you, Captain Finnemore.

Thank you, thank you, Captain Finnemore.  
Thank you, thank you, Captain Finnemore.  
You're the actor, writer and the steward we adore  
There's none finer, Captain Finnemore.

Ahhhhhh-bu Dhabi....


	15. 29 Days 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 12th December 2012. Time for Herc to get some limerick lovin'.

Are you scared of the dark while you sleep?  
Do you quiver at heights, tall and steep?  
Whatever you dread  
It's like Hercules said:  
At least you're not frightened of sheep!


	16. 25 Days 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16th December 2012. A limerick about the number 25, because there were 25 days to go before Timbuktu aired, and because I was running out of inspiration...

Divide all the otters allowed  
By a number one-more-than-a-crowd:  
That's the days that remain  
'Til we're back on the plane  
And weaving our way through the cloud. 


	17. Martin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18th December 2012. Martin joins the minipoem party.

'Supreme Commander'. 'Captain'. 'Sir'.  
Whichever title you prefer.  
The steward likes to call him 'Skip'  
Your choice; though here's a useful tip:  
Where height's concerned, he's feeling brittle  
So please don't ever call him 'little'. 


	18. Bear Facts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21st December 2012. 20 days before Timbuktu! Partly inspired by David Mitchell's delight about the discovery that pandas do, in fact, look like bears, and are bears.

There are eight different species of bear:  
Two black and a brown, for the shade of their hair,  
The panda, the polar, the sloth and the sun,  
Just add the spectacled one, and we're done. 


	19. 17 Days 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 24th December, 2012. My answer to 'Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall'.

Martin Crieff loses his money,  
Douglas Richardson thinks it's quite funny.  
All Arthur's helping  
And Carolyn's threats  
Won't stop the captain from losing the bets.


	20. 15 Days 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 26th December 2012. Another number-themed one...

One aeroplane,  
Two pilots,  
Three Shappeys (one's no fun)  
Four forces  
And five times for truth,  
Six deadly 'I's to shun.

There's seven dwarves,  
Eight years divorced,  
Nine lives before cats die,  
Ten's "not enough",  
Eleven's fine,  
Twelve tonnes of plane can fly.

Thirteen Alfred Hitchcock films,  
And Keiran's fourteen years -  
And only fifteen days to wait  
'Til series 4, my dears!


	21. The Taliskey, Part the Third

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 28th December 2012. The saga continues...  
> One day, a fourth part might appear, cuz I'd forgotten how fun this is.

Before long, a car pulled up near where we stood  
Out came Mr Birling, and said, "You're here! Good!  
Now, why are we waiting? Let's get off the ground!  
I don't pay you chaps for just standing around!"

I was somewhat confused - did he not realise  
That his _own_ late arrival kept us from the skies?  
"But, Birling," I said, "We were waiting for _you_!"  
He did not reply. He just ushered me through

To the cabin - quite small, but still more than enough  
For a load of two passengers (plus all our stuff).  
There was not much delay - soon the steward made known  
That the take-off was near, in the chirpiest tone.

A word from the captain, then no more ado,  
We were leaving the ground, gliding into the blue.  
"Birling," I said, "This reminds me again.  
Have I told you the tale of my last trip by plane?"

"I am sure," he replied, "that you've told it to me."  
I was baffled - I don't think I had. Could it be  
That my friend had grown tired of all my reports?  
I suddenly started to feel out of sorts.

I left him alone in the cabin, and met  
My stewarding friend in the galley. I bet  
We would pass for a father and son, given how  
As a young man, I looked just as he appears now.

"Oh dear," said my face-twin, "Has something gone wrong?  
Did you not like the cabin address with the song?"  
"Oh no," I assured him. "That was wonderful. No,  
I'm just here because I needed somewhere to go.

My friend is a good sort, for most of the time,  
But sometimes, his manners are far from sublime!"  
"That is true," he replied, "I mean, are they? Oh dear!"  
(His faltering speech made his true feelings clear). 

"He's pretending," I said, "there's no tales he's not heard,  
So he won't have to listen! Completely absurd!  
I'm not nearly so dull! All my tales are compelling!  
Well, from now, if he asks, I shall say, 'I'm not telling!'"

The steward said, "Maybe he's jealous of you.  
If all of your stories and tales are true,  
He must wish for at least two or three of his own,  
And he's threatened by all the experience you've shown!"

"Dear boy," I intoned, "You are probably right.  
It explains his reluctance to hear of my flight!"  
Feeling much more at ease, I returned to my seat,  
For the day's proper challenge we had yet to meet...


	22. 9 Day's 'til Series 4!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1st January 2013. I started the new year off with possibly the poorest limerick I have ever written. Included in the interests of thoroughness.

Carl's patience with Douglas is low  
When he quibbles the double echo  
But a warning-slash-threat  
And there's no need to fret -   
He'll tell the man where he can go. 


	23. Monologues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9th January 2013. The day Timbuktu went out, and thus the last day of my first Countdown! These are rhyming rewrites of speeches from Abu Dhabi, Boston, Douz and Fitton. I swear, when read _exactly_ how I wrote them, they do scan....but...apparently we don't all live inside my head. Sigh.

**_DOUGLAS_ ** **_(Abu Dhabi)_ **

This is your First Officer speaking to you here:  
Just to let you know that I _think_ we're drawing near  
To - it could be Fitton airfield - but what else might it be?  
A farm? A road? I know, at least, it cannot be the sea:  
The sea is quite a different shade, the sea is coloured blue.  
In any case, perhaps I should explain to all of you:  
The captain, Mr Crieff, and I, have made a little bet  
On which of us can fly you better in this little jet  
After drinking lots of Vodka (through a straw, you understand)  
The takeoff run was bumpy, yes, and now it's me to land.   
Just as soon as I've decided this: which runway should I use?  
Though I'm content to tell you that whichever one I choose  
I'm feeling rather lucky, ladies, gents, and kids, and so:  
On behalf of all your crew, may I just say: GERONIMO! 

* * *

 

_**CAROLYN (Boston)** _

Your seatbelt, should you need a demonstration, works like so.  
Though unless you've never been inside a car, you ought to know.  
In the most unlikely case of an emergency or scare  
Your safety jacket's underneath your seat, and that is where  
I'd recommend it stays, since between here and where we'll be  
The largest water-body is a pool in Daventry.  
In conclusion, please keep mobile phones switched off throughout the flight.  
They've no effect on our equipment, or we'd confiscate on sight,  
But they drive me up the wall. So, off 'til landing. And, 'til then -  
Goodbye from me, and do enjoy your flight with MJN! 

* * *

 

_**MARTIN (Douz)** _

Good afternoon, I'm Captain Crieff. This is just to say  
That there is... absolutely... no reason for dismay.

_Bing bong!_

Hello. It's me again. No need to panic; none at all.  
I repeat, no need to panic. You just have yourselves a ball.  
Don't look out of the windows, no, 'cause everything's just fine.  
You're utterly, completely safe on this here flight of mine.

_Bing bong!_

Actually, I wasn't being straight with you just then -  
It seems my _(yawn)_ sleeping sickness has caught up with me again.   
A stimulant from Mexico is usually enough  
To keep the thing controlled, but blast - I've run out of the stuff!  
And now our only hope is, I am dreadfully afraid,  
That if there's someone on the plane who knows how it is made   
And could bring it to the flight deck, then they might just save our skin -

 _ **CAROLYN**_  
All right, yes, we get the message! Arthur, take his coffee in! 

* * *

 

_**ARTHUR (Fitton)** _

Good evening, ladies, gentleman, lords, ladies and the queen.  
This is your captain speaking - er, that is to say, I mean -  
Captain, Wing Commander, Arthur Shappey welcomes you   
On this record-breaking flight around the world, and yes, it's true,  
For passengers both left and right: a great view of...the world.   
And if you see a bit you like, you can ask to be hurled  
(With parachute) to see it. Otherwise, enjoy your flight -  
And keep an eye on Sydney Harbour bridge, because I might  
Have a crack at flying under-

 ** _CAROLYN_**  
Wing commander! Missed a crumb!  
Pay attention to your hoovering, not talking!

 ** _ARTHUR_**  
Sorry, mum! 


	24. 18 Days 'til the Zurich Recording!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jumping forwards a little while to the 5th of February (the most miserable time of the year!) 2014. Aaaaaand it's another number orientated one.

Counting one, two and three,  
 _Here I am don't tread on me_  
Counting four, five and six  
 _BMWs and bricks,_  
Counting seven, eight and nine,  
 _Let's light up the seatbelt sign,_  
Counting ten, eleven, twelve,  
 _We do catering ourselves,_  
Thirteen, fourteen, then fifteen,  
 _All the Pretty Pilots preen,_  
Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen  
 _The greatest show you've never seen._


	25. Or As They Say in Abu Dhabi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6th February 2014. The first of many episode-themed limericks...

The steward was savaged and bitten  
By an angry and crazed psycho-kitten  
And way down in the hold  
It would get very cold  
On that fated flight leaving from Fitton...


	26. Or As They Say in Boston

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 8th February 2014.

You'd never believe it was true:  
A passenger dead in the loo -  
How did this transpire?  
Well, we smelt a fire,  
What else was the steward to do? 


	27. What Hercules Heard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10th February 2014. One of my favourites to date. Hercolyn trash for life :)

One day they vanished, the lovelorn confessions,  
The noise in the background of sickening sop.   
At first, she was happy. She had, after all,  
Asked time and again for the cooing to stop.

And then, all at once, they were gone from all chat,  
The words she had dreaded at every goodbye.  
No pauses were left where the phrase had once sat,  
And somewhere inside, she began to ask why.

In all other facets, no change could she find.  
His actions, demeanour and mood were the same.  
She fought all her instincts, she tried not to mind.  
Refused to give in to the rules of his game.

He still kissed her lightly. He still phoned each day.  
He still came to supper on Fridays at nine.  
She played right along, never daring to say,  
Convincing herself: everything was just fine.

They carried on thusly for weeks upon weeks.   
Their third anniversary came: not a word.  
The day after that, she decided to speak.   
And this is what Hercules finally heard:  

“All right, if you _must_ know. I love you, you berk.”  
He smiled, and he whispered, “I knew it would work.”


	28. Or As They Say in Cremona

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10th February 2014.

The day will not end with you cheery  
(in fact, you will find it quite dreary)  
If you so much as dare  
When with MJN Air  
To ever call Carolyn 'dearie'. 


	29. Or As They Say in Douz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 12th February, 2014.

The dastardly frenchman Jutteau  
Is constantly raking in dough  
He charges a lot  
But with Douglas's plot  
We soon should be ready to go.


	30. Or As They Say in Edinburgh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 14th February, 2014.

There's whiskey on board for this trip:  
But no-one has even a sip -  
For way up in the sky  
All the plans go awry  
Still, at least there's the chance of a tip...


	31. Or As They Say in Fitton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16th February, 2014.

Just toss a small apple around,  
And don't let it fall to the ground,  
You'll find, when you do  
(Arthur said it was true)  
That your gladness will surely abound. 


	32. Or As They Say in Gdansk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18th February, 2014.

The passenger derby is done,  
For Martin it wasn't much fun,  
And now we will see   
Who the victor will be:  
Is cheesecake or strudel the one?


	33. Or As They Say in Helsinki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 20th February 2014...

The flight to Helsinki takes hours,  
Amid all the scowling and glowers,  
And just by the by,  
Heaven only knows why,  
But the flight deck is covered in flowers. 


	34. Or As They Say In Ipswich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 22nd February 2014...

 

The cabin is filled up with smoke,  
And since he’s a caring young bloke,  
When Martin blacks out,  
Arthur soon gives a shout,  
Doffs his smoke hood, and then starts to choke. 

 


	35. Thank You MJN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 25th February 2014. Another song rewrite, probably the lamest to date since it's not a very well known song, nor is it a particularly good rewrite, BUT. Oh well. 
> 
> To be sung, if you wish, to the tune of 'The Chain' by Ingrid Michaelson. It's a beautiful song, you should listen to it. (The end part is sung as a round and it's hauntingly amazing.)
> 
> This was posted just after Zurich was recorded and the beginning of the end arrived, hence the sappy tone.

 

The plane will land, the sun will set  
But we don’t have to say goodbye, and we will not forget.  
This love of ours, we won’t regret  
The journey never has to end if we do not forget.

We’ll fly away on GERTI’s wings, and never have to come down again  
And it will still be brilliant, so thank you John, and thank you MJN

No, we don’t need the alphabet  
To keep on going on and on, for we will not forget. 

We’ll fly away on GERTI’s wings, and never have to come down again  
And it will still be brilliant, so thank you John, and thank you MJN.

 


	36. Or As They Say in Johannesburg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1st March 2014.

 

Oh, Carolyn’s in for a treat:  
As she happily pulls up a seat,  
To watch Douglas sweat  
No, she can’t lose the bet -  
Either way, she will win, so it’s neat!

 


	37. Or As They Say in Kuala Lumpur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6th March 2014.

 

The Captain walks into the bar,  
His colleagues all shout out “Hurrah!  
"We’re so glad you came,  
"Won’t you join in our game?”  
But he’d much rather watch from afar…

 


	38. Or As They Say in Limerick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 17th March 2014. A Limerick Limerick! (That means it's a _real_ Limerick.

 

The admiral’s pie is congealing,  
But given the boredom they’re feeling,  
On such a long flight  
Even that seems alright:  
Yes, you might even call it appealing!

 


	39. Yverdon Lament

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 18th March 2014. I'm ending tonight's upload binge on one of my favourites, although since John Finnemore wrote most of these words, my input was of a purely rhyming nature. 
> 
> Martin's speech from the end of Yverdon-Les-Bains. If he was a slam poet.

 

I’ll tell you one you’ve never heard before,  
The secret of my most defining flaw:  
For manual-memorising, I’ve the brains,  
I’m just not very good at flying planes.

I’m adequate, just like the sim has shown.  
I’m not the very worst who’s ever flown.  
But none of this comes naturally to me,  
I simply cannot do it easily.

If ‘one’ is ‘barely legal’ on the scale,  
It’s not as if I would completely fail,  
But neither would I reach a decent score,   
I’d honestly be just about a four.

I used to be a zero. Then a one.  
I’ve had to try and try, and I’m not done.  
I worked to be a two, and then a three,  
And that’s why you’d be lucky to have me.

Because, when you’re not naturally a star,  
The way that ~~Douglas~~ other people are,  
You can’t rely on luck or simply knowing,  
You have to work to get to where you’re going.

For those of us who have to slave, like me,  
To learn what others know instinctively,  
Perfection is the only way to go,  
It’s not a practised answer just for show.

So turn me down, for turn me down you must:  
I’ll up my game, improve, I’ll readjust.  
I’ll never waver, never give up trying,  
I’ll just go on and on and on applying.

I’ll never settle for a life apart:  
I’ve always been a pilot in my heart,   
However long it takes, this much remains:  
The only perfect job is flying planes.

 


	40. Blissful in the Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21st March 2014. Another monologue rewrite type thing. This time, it's Arthur's speech about true happiness, from Fitton - if he was a slam poet.

When you're blissful in the moonlight  
With your most beloved friend,  
Can you really say you're happy  
When you're worried it will end?

Perfect moments don't come often,  
Maybe once a year or less,  
There's a better path to follow  
If you long for happiness.

When you think your world is empty  
Or you're overcome with strife -  
You must learn appreciation  
For the smaller things in life.

When you get into a bathtub  
And the temperature's just right,  
You'll be filled with something special:  
Uninhibited delight.

When you find your knuckles ready  
For a satisfying crack,  
It's a truly joyful feeling  
That you know will soon come back.

If you've never tossed an apple  
Just to while away the time,  
I suggest you do so promptly,  
It will keep you in your prime.

When you're blissful in the moonlight,  
It's a really lovely scene,  
But remember still to smile  
At the moments in between.

 


	41. Or As They Say in Molokai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 25th January 2014. Another OATSIL... (yep, posting some more of these...)

 

The chaps, in the absence of holly,  
Have prettied up Martin’s new brolly,  
It’s not the ideal,  
But the sentiment’s real,  
And their Christmas on GERTI is jolly. 

 


	42. To An Absent Captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6th April 2014. 
> 
> "Hello, Skip! This is weird, isn’t it? ’Cause normally when I’m here listening to someone on sat comm, you’re here too listening to them, only now you’re there where they are and I’m here where you usually are and where I usually am and am now... talking to you!" 
> 
> or, as they say in rhyming verse...

 

'Tis passing strange; for oft have I been hither,  
Inclining ear toward another's word  
But thou hast ne'er been out, abroad or thither,  
And always has thou too their speaking heard.

But now, thou art at odds, and are in fact  
In place where other folk are wont to be  
Whilst I am here, my usual post intact  
And, being thus installed... I speak to thee! 

 


	43. Or As They Say in Newcastle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11th April 2014. Slowly working my way through these...

 

Eddie won’t let the skip off the hook  
So he asks when he last had a look  
At the channels of sound  
From the plane to the ground  
"Well, we do have to go by the book!" 

 


	44. Or As They Say in Ottery St Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23rd April 2014...

 

It turns out that otters are scary -  
For all they might seem cute and hairy -  
They showed no restraint  
When they chewed up a saint,  
So I'd watch out, if your name is Mary!

 


	45. Arthur Acrostic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 24th April 2014. I know most acrostic poems don't rhyme, I'm just really bad at writing poetry without being able to fall back on rhyme. Hence:

 

 **A** lways count on Arthur to be cheery:  
**R** emarkably informed on types of bear,  
**T** horoughly convinced the world is wond'rous,  
**H** e, of all things dark, is unaware.  
**U** nderneath his hat he keeps no secrets,  
**R** eally! He is just as he appears.  
**S** imply unaccustomed to deception,  
**H** e even seems impervious to fears.  
**A** ll in all, he's something of a treasure.  
**P** eople should take note of his advice:  
**P** ay attention to the smallest moments,  
**E** very ounce of life, each grain of rice -   
**Y** ou will see that lots of things are nice. 


	46. Douglas Acrostic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 27th April 2014. Another character rhyme - oh, so tiresome - I created.

 

 **D** on't despair, for Douglas will come through.  
**O** rdinary mortals can but stare:  
**U** p above the clouds, he works his magic  
**G** etting what he wants while in the air.  
**L** ost a whiskey? You know where to find it.  
**A** lways check his person and his bag.  
**S** omehow he'll have hidden it away there,  
**R** egardless of how Carolyn will nag.  
**I** f you're ever needful of assistance -  
**C** aught within some kind of dreadful fix,  
**H** e will soon come up with a solution,  
**A** rmed with all his cunning, clever tricks.  
**R** eally, our First Officer is special,  
**D** eserving of a large amount of praise:  
**S** o put your hands together for your sky god,  
**O** f whom we are in awe in many ways -  
**N** otice how he's great, through all your days. 

 


	47. Sonnet 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5th May 2014 - an Arthurian rewrite of a Shakespeare classic.
> 
> Inspired by John Finnemore doing line-share spins on classic poetry, but I didn't actually realise 'til I was finished with this that the idea wasn't mine.
> 
> Anyway, Shakespeare wrote the odd-numbered lines, and Arthur filled in the evens.

 

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art, to me, more brilliant than that!   
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And on occasion they can steal your hat.  
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
Or GERTI's air conditioning just breaks,  
And every fair from fair sometime declines,  
We all - except for Douglas - make mistakes.  
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,  
Like Toblerones, you never reach your end,  
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,  
Because Death cannot talk, that's just pretend.  
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,  
I'll talk about the brilliance of thee! 


	48. The Game of Short Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6th May 2014. I just love the game of words of one sound so much, you guys. It might be _too_ much.

 

If the game of short words taught me one thing  
It's that some of the time it is key  
To think what you want to give voice to  
And not to treat words like they're free.

You can't take them back once you've said them,  
You can't change the way they were heard,  
And if you slip up, use the wrong one,  
You might cause a line to be blurred.

The way we all play it, too, charms me.  
Some can't keep the rule in their head,  
Or don't choose the words that would sound best  
And pick what sounds strange in their stead.

It shows that we're all wont, at some point  
To make life more hard than we should,  
To skirt round the edge of a big job,  
Not solve it as fast as we could.

It's just a small game from a plane show,  
Who knows how I came to fall prey  
But I think it's gold, and it taught me  
To think and to mean what I say. 

 


	49. Riddle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4th June 2014. I guess this rhymes, so it counts here. Any solves?

 

My first is in camel but not in relief,  
My second in Shappey is found, but not Crieff,   
My third begins one of the Birling Day settings,   
My fourth is in strudel, and also in betting,  
My fifth is in Douglas, and Carolyn too,  
My sixth in Paris but not in Peru.   
My seventh’s in lemon but never in lime,   
My whole’s in the flight deck, well, most of the time!

What am I?

 


	50. Or As They Say in Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 7th October 2014. 
> 
> "An interesting theory. Let me propose an alternative one: I am going to win this time. And this is a theory I have built up from the following postulates: one – I win every time; two – this is a time; three – I will win this time."
> 
> OATSIP...

 

 

Quoth Douglas, “An int'resting view -   
Let me outline another to you:  
Since I’ve won every year  
It seems reas'nably clear  
That I’ll come out on top this time too." 

 

 

 


	51. From Arthur to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10th October 2014. Included for the sake of completion only, this was originally posted under a picture of Arthur holding a mug with the slogan "You Are Brilliant" on it.

 

Perhaps you cannot read the words  
(I had to make them small)  
But Arthur has a message  
For the fandot, one and all.  
Remember, you are brilliant,  
It says so on the mug -  
Our steward wants you all to know  
And sends you all a hug.

 


	52. Or As They Say in Qiqiktarjuaq

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5th November 2014. Accompanied by probably my worst edit to date, Martin with a whisk and a scarf. Still, it's all in good fun.

Though he might not seem brave at a glance,  
This soldier leaves nothing to chance -  
With his whisk in the air,  
He befuddled the bear  
And then pogoed his way back to France!


	53. Recap: Abu Dhabi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 28th November 2014. We're now into the last set of poems I did for the Countdown to Zurich... an episode-by-episode recap, in somewhat questionable rhyming verse...

 

It all began here, at the alphabet's start  
Where the cabin address was delivered.  
If only we'd known when we first heard those words -  
How much they would mean. We'd have shivered.

As it was, we were whisked away into a world  
Where all Brians and Bobs are equated,  
Where Bristol is praised for the bridge that it raised  
And the choice to divert is berated.

The way a plane flies was discussed at some length,  
But with answers some clear and some foggy,  
We learnt Carolyn's got not a line but a dot  
And the answer to "who's a clean doggie?"

There was smoke on the flight deck: some real and some not.  
There were fictional captains all round.  
The cat in the hold got uncomfortably cold  
But a clever solution was found.

In so many ways, what a humble beginning  
For a show that soon stole all our hearts.  
But lest we forget: here the pattern was set,  
So it's truly the finest of starts. 

 


	54. Recap: Boston

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 29th November 2014. Another recap...

The second in the series, and the only time so far  
That anybody's snuffed it on the show (the goose I'll bar).  
It's really very morbid, though there's no stone grave or flowers -  
What else should we expect from something based on Fawlty Towers?

But put aside the death-scene, for there's _Simon Says_ to play  
And oceans to be pinged around through all the live-long day!  
We learn to call a civil engineer when someone's sick  
And hairballs spring to all our minds when hearing "Reykjavik"!

Much like in Abu Dhabi, there is much discussion had  
On whether a diversion would be something good or bad.  
We see our gallant captain caught between two points of view  
For Douglas has advice to give, but Carolyn does too.

By this point in our listening, we're working out what's what  
How Carolyn's in charge and how the pilots drive the plot.  
We're falling more in love with Arthur's simple, childish charms -  
Ignoring what just happened when he took up firing arms.

There's not another like this episode, it's quite unique:  
The murderous extinguisher can make it sound quite bleak.  
But I think Boston's mystery lies here: How did they tell  
That the smoking sign was what was causing all that fishy smell? 


	55. Recap: Cremona

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 30th November. A review of 1.3, Cremona...

 

Quoth Douglas, "I can promise you that very, very soon  
We'll have finished preparations and we'll _Fly You To The Moon_.  
When airborne, you will have the chance to _play among the stars_ ,   
And maybe _see what spring is like on Jupiter or Mars_..."

There's always time for word-games when you fly with MJN,  
But Hester, by the end, is sure she never will again.  
She's moody and unpleasant, but it's not so bad at first -   
Until she's mean to Arthur. Then she really is the worst.

For me, there are no episodes I skip, avoid or ban  
And after my top three, I'm quite an undiscerning fan.  
I wouldn't rank Cremona with the stars, but still there's gold -   
A few of these exchanges, I am sure, will not get old.

There's spotty knights and staterooms, fluffy dressing-gowns and more -  
I love that Arthur sometimes puts a sock in every drawer.   
And Douglas saves the day again - we're used to that by now -   
The question of him fixing things starts not with 'if', but 'how'.

And Carolyn, in this one, has a chance or two to shine.  
Her quip regarding Hester's book's by far my favourite line.   
But more important, there's a warning for us, just in case:   
You should never tell your hero that you pasta-fied their face.


	56. Recap: Douz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1st December 2014. Entering the actual month of Zurich! :'|
> 
> I'm not even sure this one scans, but...here.

This week, the crew has landed somewhere vast and very sandy -  
And later on a Scottish cricket team come quite in handy -  
If you've ever wondered whether it could happen, you're in luck -  
It turns out that you _can_ lift up and move a fire truck. 

In any other context, such an action would seem mad  
But faced with Yves Jutteau, who is so dastardly and bad,  
It actually makes perfect sense, and now their path is clear  
It's time to cruise along the road amid a Scottish cheer!

Though Douglas is the one who really makes it come to be,  
The plan that saves the day this time was cooked up by all three:  
It's Martin who suggests that they feed GERTI rabbit fuel  
And Arthur's is the notion that they break the driving rule. 

That said - it _might_ be legal to drive GERTI down the road -  
They're not exactly clued-up on Tunisia's Highway Code  
But either way, it makes no mind - they're off before too long  
And soon they're out of Jutteau's grasp - our crew and Scottish throng.

This episode's a good one - and it's visual, which is more  
Than you'd think you could expect consid'ring it's from radio 4.  
There's depth from Ms Knapp-Shappey, there are sassy lines all round,  
To think we found such joy upon this vast and sandy ground!


	57. Recap: Edinburgh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Presumably December 2nd, 2014... I say 'presumably' because I didn't always upload on the right day. I know, so unexpected of me.

It's nice to have traditions, and we've all got one or two.  
You'll find this is no different for our favourite Cabin Crew,  
For once a year, they take a 'nice old boy' out for a trip,  
He might be irritating, but just think about the tip!

Of course, for Martin, things seem bleak, for Douglas hasn't said  
Exactly what the tip involves, he tells half-truths instead.  
It's true, when England won, he gave a thousand pounds away,  
But Mr Birling's Welsh - of course he wasn't glad that day!

What follows is a zig-zag tale, as Martin can't decide  
If toadying to Birling is insulting to his pride.  
But Arthur lets slip how things are, and Martin changes tune,  
It's suddenly important that he turn things down, and soon!

The Captain's back is thusly turned, it's Douglas centre stage,  
The Talisker he steals each year (inciting fiery rage  
From Carolyn, who calls it 'systematic theft': fair cop -  
It seems that Mr Birling never gets to taste a drop!)

Though maybe we were unaware, this story paves the way  
F'r a trilogy of episodes, all set on Birling Day.  
It's great to hear such classics as our advent flight flies on -  
The magic (unlike whiskey) surely never will be gone.


	58. Recap: Fitton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 03/12/14. Concluding the series 1 recap...

  
There's a hole in the roof of the cabin,   
And Douglas is making the tea -   
The day is all topsy and turvy   
But maybe that's how it should be.

Few things are as perfect as Fitton.   
There's teasing and jokes, it is true -   
The heart of it, though, is endearing -   
A character piece through and through.

There's Arthur's instructions on gladness,   
And Douglas's shocking reveal,   
The world's least impressive fruit-jugglers,   
And talk of lost dreams that feels real.

They fool Mr Goddard by swapping,   
Until Arthur claims forty-eightness.   
The phonecall to Gordon's a gem, too,   
A fine show of Carolyn's greatness.

We've now flown through all the first series   
And heard many matters unfold,   
We've got to know all our crew better   
But much still remains to be told...


End file.
